Howard Bassem (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
iselldrugstothecommunity) wrote2012-04-22 04:01 pm
iselldrugstothecommunity) wrote2012-04-22 04:01 pm
Ficlet for Zoki
It's been two years since Howard and I started living together and eight months since we started dating. I'm finally starting to feel as if I'm being let in. It's not as if we weren't close as friends, or even as lovers before, but he's not so tense anymore. And I don't feel as if I'm constantly having to prove my intent to him. He's stopped acting surprised to find me in the same house any more, almost like he's used to me. I quite like being used to, honestly.
--
During a commercial break, Howard asks, "how do you wizards do the talking picture thing? I mean, doesn't it creep you out that you're always being watched?"
"I don't think of it as much different than you keeping the telly on while you do homework."
Howard rests his head against Cedric's arm and pulls the blanket from the couch to cover them. "God, you're so British."
--
"I'm sorry, I just forgot! It was moldy and stale and I thought you might get sick off it! Please, I wasn't trying to-"
"I'm leaving."
Howard slams the door behind him, and even the knowledge that he'll be back in a few hours doesn't keep tears from Cedric's eyes.
--
It isn't fair. I spend a lot of time thinking that everyone else was born under lucky stars while I started out under a dark sky with black holes where the constellations should be. Cedric talks about burned out stars coming back to life and all I can think about is all that uncountable black space between them.
--
"Howard? Howard, you've been in the shower forty minutes."
"Sorry, fell asleep. I'm awake now. Swear."
"Are you sure you don't want to go back to bed? Do you want me to call your work and tell them you're sick?"
"No, I'm fine. Just get some coffee ready. I'm not going to have time to make it."
"Alright." The scent of coffee wafting in suggests that Cedric already thought of that. "Want me to throw Spot in there with you as motivation?"
"Emergency Rations, and only if you want filet-o-boyfriend."
--
Cedric scares me still, honestly. He seems not exactly oblivious to the danger, but like he's paying it lip service. Like he knows it's there and that love is terrifying and he just goes along with it anyway, because somewhere along the line he decided that getting hurt wasn't going to stop him doing whatever it is he wants to do. I don't know if he just thinks he's invincible or if he actually is, but either way it's scary because I'm the same way I usually am - really, really aware that the flip side of love is fuck you too.
--
"Hey, hey man. Wake up. I need to get you hydrated."
"Mmm."
"Come on, Ced, don't make me shove it down your throat. I will."
"You wouldn't force feed someone with food poisoning."
Howard lifts Cedric's head and holds the water bottle to his mouth. "Yeah, right. Just try me."
--
"Howard, can you remember to fill out the rent check?"
"Already done it."
"Alright, good, and you might need to let the bank know that the paycheck's coming in late because of the time off-"
"Did it."
"You're on top of everything, aren't you?"
"You have a big game tomorrow. I don't want you getting beaned in the face with a soccerball because you're doing debits and credits in your head."
--
"If you're done with the bimbo, Ced, we can go." Howard jerks his thumb towards the door, then folds his arms in a displeased fashion as he goes to wait outside.
Cedric shoots him a dirty look and apologizes to the girl. "Sorry, that's my roommate. He gets cranky sometimes. Don't take it personally."
The girls just shakes her head and frowns. "It's fine. You've got places to be anyway."
When Cedric leaves the equipment room, Howard's still looking sour, and Cedric can't help but feel irate. "You do realize she's on my team, right? And that it's not acceptable for you to call her a bimbo?"
"Good, she's on your team. Then she can see you at practice and not be all over you afterwards."
Cedric wrinkles his brow. "Are you jealous?"
"Yes."
Cedric's face takes on a cast of hurt. "But I wouldn't…what type of person do you think I am?"
Howard gets into the driver's side of the car and slams the door. "It doesn't matter what kind of person I think you are. Let's just go home."
--
Sometimes it's difficult, being the optimistic one. It's exhausting. There are some days I'm really tempted to just agree with him and say 'you know what, you're right, this is all worthless because it's all going to end someday anyway, now will you shut up about it for a minute?'.
But I don't believe that, never for more than a few seconds. Whatever time we have here is precious. I don't understand how you can cheat death and not understand that.
So Howard, if you're reading this - you're wrong.
--
"Do you have everything set for your exam in the morning?"
"Mmhmm. Pencils, erasers, breath mints and gum. All set to grind my diploma in the faces of everyone who said I couldn't do it."
Cedric gets into the bed and pulls the covers aside so Howard can join him. "Do you want me to get up early and make you breakfast?"
"Only if you want to. I'll just grab some oatmeal on the way out."
Cedric kisses Howard's neck. "Of course I want to."
--
At some point I need to stop touching this patchwork life with my fingertips and just accept it's mine and grab it. In my fist. Fully. Someday.
--
"Let's do some living after we die…wild, wild horses…" Howard's singing is cut short by the toothbrush.
"You should sing more often. It's nice."
After the full three minutes of brushing and then mouthwashing, Howard answers. "You think?"
"I do. It's…unexpected. And nice."
--
"Ced?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you think this is where we're supposed to go after we die? I mean, like maybe it wasn't a second chance, like maybe this is just the way things are supposed to go?"
Cedric doesn't answer for a bit, until Howard gives his hand a squeeze. "I don't think that's an impossible idea, no."
"Me neither."
--
It's been four years since we started living on this Earth. Four years of hiding magic, four years on our own. Three years of dating, almost. Howard still won't tell me his birthday so we celebrate anniversaries instead. Lately he's gotten into analysing why we're still together, which is, I think, just a cue for me to be a bit more sensitive that he's feeling insecure. I'm sure things will return to normal soon enough. He just needs to stop worrying about his weight and about his applications for his paramedic certification, and I have to finish up the season in football and see if any I caught the eye of any scouts. It shouldn't take more than a few months, and in spite of all the stress I'm feeling steady about the whole thing.
I'm sure he's planning something. He's crafty like that. Personally, I've set aside the evening and a small sum of funds for a nice private dinner under the stars in the park. I've even bought a fresh new toy for the cats - it seems wrong to exclude them. They're part of the family, and everything has to be right.
That's the funny thing about this relationship. It feels right. Not easy, never easy.
But right.
--
During a commercial break, Howard asks, "how do you wizards do the talking picture thing? I mean, doesn't it creep you out that you're always being watched?"
"I don't think of it as much different than you keeping the telly on while you do homework."
Howard rests his head against Cedric's arm and pulls the blanket from the couch to cover them. "God, you're so British."
--
"I'm sorry, I just forgot! It was moldy and stale and I thought you might get sick off it! Please, I wasn't trying to-"
"I'm leaving."
Howard slams the door behind him, and even the knowledge that he'll be back in a few hours doesn't keep tears from Cedric's eyes.
--
It isn't fair. I spend a lot of time thinking that everyone else was born under lucky stars while I started out under a dark sky with black holes where the constellations should be. Cedric talks about burned out stars coming back to life and all I can think about is all that uncountable black space between them.
--
"Howard? Howard, you've been in the shower forty minutes."
"Sorry, fell asleep. I'm awake now. Swear."
"Are you sure you don't want to go back to bed? Do you want me to call your work and tell them you're sick?"
"No, I'm fine. Just get some coffee ready. I'm not going to have time to make it."
"Alright." The scent of coffee wafting in suggests that Cedric already thought of that. "Want me to throw Spot in there with you as motivation?"
"Emergency Rations, and only if you want filet-o-boyfriend."
--
Cedric scares me still, honestly. He seems not exactly oblivious to the danger, but like he's paying it lip service. Like he knows it's there and that love is terrifying and he just goes along with it anyway, because somewhere along the line he decided that getting hurt wasn't going to stop him doing whatever it is he wants to do. I don't know if he just thinks he's invincible or if he actually is, but either way it's scary because I'm the same way I usually am - really, really aware that the flip side of love is fuck you too.
--
"Hey, hey man. Wake up. I need to get you hydrated."
"Mmm."
"Come on, Ced, don't make me shove it down your throat. I will."
"You wouldn't force feed someone with food poisoning."
Howard lifts Cedric's head and holds the water bottle to his mouth. "Yeah, right. Just try me."
--
"Howard, can you remember to fill out the rent check?"
"Already done it."
"Alright, good, and you might need to let the bank know that the paycheck's coming in late because of the time off-"
"Did it."
"You're on top of everything, aren't you?"
"You have a big game tomorrow. I don't want you getting beaned in the face with a soccerball because you're doing debits and credits in your head."
--
"If you're done with the bimbo, Ced, we can go." Howard jerks his thumb towards the door, then folds his arms in a displeased fashion as he goes to wait outside.
Cedric shoots him a dirty look and apologizes to the girl. "Sorry, that's my roommate. He gets cranky sometimes. Don't take it personally."
The girls just shakes her head and frowns. "It's fine. You've got places to be anyway."
When Cedric leaves the equipment room, Howard's still looking sour, and Cedric can't help but feel irate. "You do realize she's on my team, right? And that it's not acceptable for you to call her a bimbo?"
"Good, she's on your team. Then she can see you at practice and not be all over you afterwards."
Cedric wrinkles his brow. "Are you jealous?"
"Yes."
Cedric's face takes on a cast of hurt. "But I wouldn't…what type of person do you think I am?"
Howard gets into the driver's side of the car and slams the door. "It doesn't matter what kind of person I think you are. Let's just go home."
--
Sometimes it's difficult, being the optimistic one. It's exhausting. There are some days I'm really tempted to just agree with him and say 'you know what, you're right, this is all worthless because it's all going to end someday anyway, now will you shut up about it for a minute?'.
But I don't believe that, never for more than a few seconds. Whatever time we have here is precious. I don't understand how you can cheat death and not understand that.
So Howard, if you're reading this - you're wrong.
--
"Do you have everything set for your exam in the morning?"
"Mmhmm. Pencils, erasers, breath mints and gum. All set to grind my diploma in the faces of everyone who said I couldn't do it."
Cedric gets into the bed and pulls the covers aside so Howard can join him. "Do you want me to get up early and make you breakfast?"
"Only if you want to. I'll just grab some oatmeal on the way out."
Cedric kisses Howard's neck. "Of course I want to."
--
At some point I need to stop touching this patchwork life with my fingertips and just accept it's mine and grab it. In my fist. Fully. Someday.
--
"Let's do some living after we die…wild, wild horses…" Howard's singing is cut short by the toothbrush.
"You should sing more often. It's nice."
After the full three minutes of brushing and then mouthwashing, Howard answers. "You think?"
"I do. It's…unexpected. And nice."
--
"Ced?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you think this is where we're supposed to go after we die? I mean, like maybe it wasn't a second chance, like maybe this is just the way things are supposed to go?"
Cedric doesn't answer for a bit, until Howard gives his hand a squeeze. "I don't think that's an impossible idea, no."
"Me neither."
--
It's been four years since we started living on this Earth. Four years of hiding magic, four years on our own. Three years of dating, almost. Howard still won't tell me his birthday so we celebrate anniversaries instead. Lately he's gotten into analysing why we're still together, which is, I think, just a cue for me to be a bit more sensitive that he's feeling insecure. I'm sure things will return to normal soon enough. He just needs to stop worrying about his weight and about his applications for his paramedic certification, and I have to finish up the season in football and see if any I caught the eye of any scouts. It shouldn't take more than a few months, and in spite of all the stress I'm feeling steady about the whole thing.
I'm sure he's planning something. He's crafty like that. Personally, I've set aside the evening and a small sum of funds for a nice private dinner under the stars in the park. I've even bought a fresh new toy for the cats - it seems wrong to exclude them. They're part of the family, and everything has to be right.
That's the funny thing about this relationship. It feels right. Not easy, never easy.
But right.