But Time Takes Time, You Know [Musebox]

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

It's hard to research things that haven't happened yet, Howard discovers. Rather than hitting the library, like he would have on Stacy, he has to spend a lot of time thinking, sitting around talking to Barbara about every detail he remembers of his family history. Every year that passes by, the memories get a little more obscure, a little less refined, and he starts to panic, thinking that he won't have enough information to track down his family at all soon.

Over endless cups of tea, Barbara asks questions ("do you remember your mother's maiden name? do you know where your father's parents were from before they came to California? do you remember what their professions were?") to try and drag out the useful information, but it ends up being a stray memory of a Christmas dinner that puts the pieces in place.

"My grandma has to be in San Francisco. They had a one year wedding anniversary ornament on the Christmas tree of the Golden Gate Bridge, and I'm pretty sure they got married in 1969."

What they were doing in San Francisco is beyond his knowledge, but it's the closest they have to a shot. He doesn't know what hospitals his parents were born in, or where his paternal grandparents might be now, or even what year his parents are going to meet. It takes a lot of agonizing before he decides to spend all that money he's been saving in a can under the sink on plane tickets for him and Barbara to go there, but when he invites her she agrees that it's important to him, and besides, how often does one get to vacation in America?

So they both have suitcases packed and a promise to be back in ten days, waiting for Ian in the kitchen to come drive them to the airport. Howard's nervous, naturally, because he's not sure how he'll introduce himself to total strangers as their grandkid from the future. But he's come to relax a bit - a bit - over the last few years, and as such he just chews his lip and bounces his leg a bit rather than panics. He even got six hours of sleep last night. It's truly a miracle.

Comments

[first_in_time]

"Generally this is lady talk. It just doesn't often occur when there are men in the room," Barbara explained, holding in giggles. "So we're no less ladies than you are American."

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

"Despite your and Ian's best efforts." He grins. He hasn't even let a hint of a British accent sneak in after even four years. "And do I not count as men in the room?"

[first_in_time]

Barbara and Rose shook their heads, caught one another and then giggled again.

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

His cheeks turn a bit red. "Hah hah." He wonders exactly what he told Barbara last night, but he can't remember right now.

Rose gives him a bit of a quizzical look, then signals the waiter for the bill. "You didn't eat very much," she says, to which he shrugs.

Rose pulls out her purse. "I can't, um. I can't treat you both. Or even..." She looks sheepish.

[first_in_time]

"It doesn't matter because I asked you to join us," Barbara told Rose, waving her hand at Rose's purse. She had enough money to pay for their meals and visit another attraction or two, so it was hardly going to worry her.

Barbara got up from the table and followed the waiter over to the register without hearing another word.

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

Honestly, Rose hadn't brought enough money even for herself. She has no compunction against getting a free ride and meal out of her grandson and his foster mom.

"Thanks for coming to dinner with us," Howard says, and Rose smiles and says 'of course'. "We have a few days before we go home, so if you have any suggestions for where I can take Barbara. This is kind of her trip."

While Barbara's paying, Howard gets a list from Rose and tucks it in his pocket.

[first_in_time]

When she returned, Barbara smiled and asked Rose: "would you like to walk around some, or shall we escort you back to Hal?"

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

"I should probably go home now before he thinks you've both kidnapped me back to Europe. Thank you, Ms. Wright. Howard. This was a wonderful dinner."

Howard makes a little shy sound of agreement and they start walking back to the pier, where they'll leave her.

[first_in_time]

"Please, call me Barbara," she replied and, once they reached the pier again, Barbara pulled a pencil and paper from her purse so they could exchange addresses.

"We'll see you again, I'm sure," she said over Rose's shoulder as they hugged goodbye. "Take care between now and then."

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

"I will." She waves a bit, and Howard squints at the address as if disbelieving its validity, as if this is all some cruel joke at the end and his hopes are the punchline. But it seems legitimate enough.

So he looks to Barbara and grins. "There's nothing for me in those bags of presents, is there?"

[first_in_time]

"There might be if you're good," she grinned at Howard. Barbara was in such good spirits after that. She hadn't had such an outing since...since...well, since before John was born. Perhaps more should occur in the future.

"Come on, I think I could do with a bit of a nap after that." Barbara put her hand on Howard's shoulder for a moment as they walked. It had been a successful meeting. Certainly nothing like what Howard was expecting.

After they'd been walking for a long moment, and the feeling of elation had settled, she asked: "how are you feeling?"

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

He accepts, happily, the hand on his shoulder. She should be able to feel the way he's much more relaxed now than he was a bit ago. "I'm feeling..."

How to explain it? Howard's not sure he knows. It's not as if he's just clicked into feeling a sense of belonging, like he was expecting, hoping for, but he does feel as if a heavy weight has been pulled off him. Like breathing is easier.

"Kind of proud of myself?"

[first_in_time]

"Good," Barbara said and had to smile at him. "You should feel proud of yourself. I almost thought you were going to run away this morning, you were so nervous," the hangover probably wasn't helping, "but you stayed and faced your anxiety. I'm very proud of you, too."

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

"I almost thought I was going to run away too. I was like, plotting escape routes and everything." He takes another deep breath and looks in the direction Rose left in. "She's nice, isn't she? I can see like, a little bit of how I remember her."

[first_in_time]

"She was very nice," Barbara agreed, "I can see bits of you in her. You must have valued her highly."

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

"You can?" He sounds surprised. He doesn't think he's much like either of them. "I guess my mom was like her, too, so it must run in the family."

[first_in_time]

"Perhaps," Barbara said but kept the rest of her thoughts to herself. They had similar traits physically, but also personality wise. She imagined that perhaps Howard could be just as carefree and ready to laugh before he had to fend for his life.

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

"I was for sure that she wasn't coming. I mean, I guess my grandpa still didn't show up, but maybe this means I can come back at some point. I wonder..." He pauses. "Do you think this'll mess up the time stream, so this world's version of me is never born?"

[first_in_time]

Barbara shrugged gently. "I don't know, you'd really have to ask the Doctor. For all we know you're only around because your mother had a friend of the family called 'Howard', who was gentle and kind, slightly paranoid and overly fond of canned food." She grinned at him. Clearly she was joking.

"Remember that this is a different universe to the one you're from," Barbara continued, bags swinging a little by her side, "you'll still exist but maybe a Howard for this world won't. Or maybe he still will. Maybe he only exists in your universe. I really can't be certain on anything." If only there was a way to call the Doctor.

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

Even though she's joking, his laugh is a bit pained. And he doesn't quite know how Barbara keeps the impression that he's kind, but he'll go with it.

"She was so excited by the idea of having my mom and aunt and uncle. I haven't, like, completely messed that up for her, have I?"

[first_in_time]

"I shouldn't think so," Barbara replied, thinking. "Rose clearly wants to be a mother and you've given her hope. I'm sure she's immensely grateful for that."

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

"Yeah, I just...don't want to let her down if that's not how it works for her this time around." He shakes his head. "Although I can't understand being that excited to have kids anyway."

They get back to the hotel and Howard crawls into bed, fully clothed. "Barbara?"

[first_in_time]

Barbara put her things down upon her own bed and took off her cardigan. She was going to splash some water on her face but stopped when Howard called out her name.

"Yes, Howard?" he was loosely tucked in before Barbara sat on the side of his bed. It was curious that he chose to stay in his clothes.

[iselldrugstothecommunity]

He rolls over so he's on his back, looking up at her.

It's not easy to say. There's a knot in his chest that tugs and pulls at the body around it, a kind of fear that defies reason, the fear of loss, the fear of vulnerability. But he says it anyway.

"You know you'll always be my family, right? I mean, even if I come here. Even with Rose and Hal in the picture."

[first_in_time]

"I wouldn't expect anything less," she told him softly. After all they'd been through together, Barbara could never think of Howard as anything less than family. Irregardless of what Howard thought. "I'd like to think that we could be a family all together. You. Myself, Rose and Hal. Ian. Even John if you'll let him."