iselldrugstothecommunity | But Time Takes Time, You Know [Musebox]

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But Time Takes Time, You Know [Musebox]

It's hard to research things that haven't happened yet, Howard discovers. Rather than hitting the library, like he would have on Stacy, he has to spend a lot of time thinking, sitting around talking to Barbara about every detail he remembers of his family history. Every year that passes by, the memories get a little more obscure, a little less refined, and he starts to panic, thinking that he won't have enough information to track down his family at all soon.

Over endless cups of tea, Barbara asks questions ("do you remember your mother's maiden name? do you know where your father's parents were from before they came to California? do you remember what their professions were?") to try and drag out the useful information, but it ends up being a stray memory of a Christmas dinner that puts the pieces in place.

"My grandma has to be in San Francisco. They had a one year wedding anniversary ornament on the Christmas tree of the Golden Gate Bridge, and I'm pretty sure they got married in 1969."

What they were doing in San Francisco is beyond his knowledge, but it's the closest they have to a shot. He doesn't know what hospitals his parents were born in, or where his paternal grandparents might be now, or even what year his parents are going to meet. It takes a lot of agonizing before he decides to spend all that money he's been saving in a can under the sink on plane tickets for him and Barbara to go there, but when he invites her she agrees that it's important to him, and besides, how often does one get to vacation in America?

So they both have suitcases packed and a promise to be back in ten days, waiting for Ian in the kitchen to come drive them to the airport. Howard's nervous, naturally, because he's not sure how he'll introduce himself to total strangers as their grandkid from the future. But he's come to relax a bit - a bit - over the last few years, and as such he just chews his lip and bounces his leg a bit rather than panics. He even got six hours of sleep last night. It's truly a miracle.

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"I meant grabbing takeout and eating it at the hotel. You can still call Ian," he says quickly. Just because he's possessive of Barbara doesn't mean he doesn't respect her relationship with his favorite science teacher.

Barbara struggled to not look suspicious for a little longer, but nodded. "Let's find a cablecar," she suggested, stumbling a little over the word 'cablecar'. It was unfamiliar and felt strange on her tongue.

Soon enough, having ridden the cablecars and visited Chinatown, they're sitting in their hotel room with fried rice and dumplings. Howard's done with his quickly, of course, and he wraps up under a blanket while he watches the phone, waiting for them to make their call.

Barbara ate her food slowly, as usual. They were tired from such a long day and watched television while they ate. Or rather, Barbara did. When she'd finished eating and came back from washing her hands, she noticed Howard under the blanket.

"I can call Ian in the morning if you're tired," she offered, "I've nothing urgent to say, I only wanted to check in."

"I can stay awake for a phone call. I'm just getting comfy." He glances over to the TV, but honestly television hasn't held much appeal for him since coming back in time. He misses reality shows.

"Alright," Barbara smiled, then hesitated again; "did you want to keep Rose and Hal to ourselves for now? Ian will be curious but I can hold off on telling him for the moment."

"Nah, tell him. That way at least he'll know I didn't wuss out." He flips the channel to the news.

Barbara nodded once, then turned to the telephone, where she dialed a long string of numbers to reach home. A very tired Ian answered the phone, but he perked at hearing Barbara's voice. They chatted about the weather and the food. Barbara told him about Rose and Hal, how Hal was weary of them but Rose seemed more open minded. She was positive about tomorrow's meeting, and said as much to Ian.

"Howard? Did you want to say hello?" she asked, holding her hand over the receiver, "John's sleeping, so it's only Ian."

As soon as Howard hears 'John's sleeping', he grabs the phone. "Hi Ian," and then continues to talk, pretty much to reiterate everything Barbara's said so far (he leaves out the spa, giving just a noncommittal 'eh' sound when Ian asks what they did with the rest of their day). He hasn't gotten much solo time with Ian since John's birth, and while he's not as close to Ian as he is with Barbara, Ian's still stepped into a father role to a degree.

When he's finally done monopolizing the telephone (and the conversation, really), he hands the phone back to Barbara.

She watched the news while she listened to Howard talk and talk. When the phone is passed back, she grinned at him.

"Did you get all of that?" asked Barbara playfully. Another moment of idle chatter and she wished him a good morning, told him she loved him, and hung up the phone. She then sat on the bed and smiled at nothing.

Howard's asleep fairly quickly - it's true he hasn't had much rest since getting here. But before he does, he gets out of the bed and gives Barbara's hand a squeeze, telling her an honest and genuine "thanks for being there for me today".

Then he's neck-deep in a fitful sleep, one hand occasionally searching around the pillow near his head for his cats.

Barbara was up for a little bit longer. She watched television until she grew bored, then read a book. By the time she fell asleep, the electronic clock was showing 9:30pm.

When she woke, the first thing Barbara noticed was just how empty Howard's bed was. She listened for any sounds in the room to indicate where he might be.

Howard tries his best to sneak back in. This is not easy, because he is a little bit tipsy right now. Or a lot bit. He normally doesn't drink, and unfortunately this doesn't lead for very high alcohol tolerance. A few hours out in the Castro proved to be excitement enough for one night, and after the other young man buying him drinks got a little pushy, he decided to leave rather than risk anything going further.

It's still dark outside so he figures he's in the clear. He slips the key into the lock for the hotel room and struggles with it for a moment before getting it open - and finding Barbara awake.

Oops.

It took Barbara a little while to work out why Howard was swaying and having difficulty with the door. She turned on the lamp between the two beds.

"Howard, where have you been?" she asked and scratched her head where the bedhair was at its worst. "It's 5am."

"Nowhere." Maybe if he stays to single-word answers he won't slur too badly. "Out."

He closes the door behind him but decides not to walk over to the bed - he thinks he might have to use the wall to get there without stumbling, and that would surely be a giveaway. He doesn't even know Barbara's already put it together.

She sighed. "Howard lie down before you lose your balance and crack your skull open on something."

Barbara got up from her own bed, pushing the covers aside. She can see how flushed he was looking, and the perspiration on his brow. Although Ian had never come home in such a way, she wasn't unfamiliar with the looks of a drunk man.

"Come on, Howard. You need some rest," Barbara said and held out her arm for him to take.

"I'm fine," he insists, but takes her arm anyway and gets over to the bed, and doesn't really let go of her. "Just sleepy."

Which is a lie, because he actually doesn't feel like sleeping at all right now. He feels restless and guilty and there's a rising feeling of dread in him.

"God, I'm so stupid." He's going to be hungover when he next sees Rose and Hal. The idea chills him.

She could have told him that he wasn't fine, that he was drunk, but she kept that to himself. Howard seemed to be aware of what he had done, and if he wasn't, he would be very soon. No lecture would ever compare to a hang over.

"Lie down," Barbara told him. She moved the bin closer just in case he was going to vomit. He didn't like that queasy, but it was always a possibility.

Barbara left him on the bed to wet the face cloth in their bathroom. She returned to press it against his head gently. If nothing else it would clean up the sweat on his face a little.

After another moment she let him lie there alone while she fetched the kettle. Once it was filled with cold water from the tap, she brought it over with a glass.

"Hangovers are caused by dehydration brought on by the alcohol. I want you to drink a few glasses of water. It will help you a little once the alcohol has worn off."

He lies on his side, not because he feels sick but because back in the day he chastised Orc often enough about not laying on his back when drunk. He gets up on his elbow to drink some of the water she brought him.

"I wasn't planning on drinking, I swear, I just was going to check it out and come home, but there was this guy there and he said I had a nice face even though I'm missing teeth and my nose is all crooked and he kept buying me drinks and you know what it's like when people put stuff to drink right in front of me..."

He hiccups and drinks a little more water. In his drunken rambling he didn't bother to hide pronouns, and he doesn't even notice. He strokes his fingers over the wet cloth, looking over her face as if trying to confirm that she isn't angry at him. He'll feel terrible knowing he disappointed her.

Barbara just held Howard's hand and watched, and listened. It was a little curious to think that he was being picked up by a man at a pub, but she'd question him about it later. For now she was more concerned about getting him into a better state of mind for meeting with Hal and Rose again.

"Howard, it doesn't matter. Just try and rest for the moment."

"It does matter. I'm, mm, I'm trashed right now." He lays back down. They still have seven hours or so before they have to meet with Rose and Hal. Hopefully he can sober up some by then. "This is why I don't drink. I get all emotional."

And he really isn't the sort of person who needs to feel emotions more keenly than he already does.

"I want what you and Ian have and I'm never going to get that, and then tonight there was like forty minutes where I was like okay, maybe I could someday, but then I was too drunk and I had to get out of there." His voice feels like slush in his mouth.

"We all make mistakes," Barbara told him calmly and used her free hand to rub his back. "And we, unfortunately, can't predict the future. You could have what Ian and I have one day, in your own special way. No one's saying that you can't."

"You should get the Doctor to check up on me in fifty years and see if I should even bother with the rest of my life." He reaches for the water again and succeeds in knocking it off the nightstand. Awesome. Self-pity and drunken clumsiness, what a winning combination.

Barbara's hand is warm and soothing on his back and he wants to just focus on that. He shuts his eyes and tries to visualize her hand like a red shape in the darkness. "And I'm saying I can't. No one's ever going to want me when I'm a mess inside and out."

Who would have anticipated being so anti-social could make him so lonely? "It was nice for like, forty minutes to feel like someone wanted me like that."

Barbara had every intention of making certain that Howard was going to be around for another 50 years. Maybe she should offer him his old bedroom back. Or rather their couch, for it was all he slept on. She wasn't going to suggest it then and there, it wouldn't have been the right time.

"Close your eyes," she told him gently, "and breathe nice and deeply."

"Okay." He trusts her, and while he's taken care of drunks this feeling is mostly foreign to him. So he does, although he hiccups again during it. Trying to sleep would be futile, but focusing on breathing is relaxing, at least. Breathing and her hand on his shoulder.

"Barbara, am I good-looking? Honestly?" He sort of wants her to say 'no', because then he won't feel like he's overlooking something.

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not the schoolmarm look! D8

Take it! TAKE IT! ...what?

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